Healers don't always have it completely together. There are days when even we need to step back and take some time for our own healing. Today is one of those days for me. It's my Dad’s birthday. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t quite know how I was going to feel about it when it got here. Most days, I'm fine, and even today I'm fine, I just feel like I need the catharsis of talking about him, writing about him, and having the house quiet to leave space for the memories to invite themselves in. I lost him in the Spring, which I've mentioned in a couple of my other posts, here and here. He’d been in the hospital for a couple of weeks with lung and kidney issues and congestive heart failure. He was only 70. Only 70. We’re so used to people living into their 80’s, 90’s, and even 100+ years now is not unheard of with advanced technology and medicine that 70 years old just seems too young to die, even though my higher self knows that everyone transitions at exactly the right time.
My dad and I butted heads a lot - he was a Scorpio and I’m a Taurus, both fixed signs and on their worst days, stubborn and bull-headed, digging our feet in and not giving an inch from the time I was little on up. This last presidential election really made things between us interesting when it became apparent that he was going to support the Republican candidate. You could have knocked me over with a feather! My sis and I are about as left of center as you can get so needless to say, we were NOT amused! We finally had to make a rule for family get togethers: NO POLITICS! Looking back on it, I can see that as my Dad got older and weaker physically, the more scared he became. I think some part of him knew he wasn’t going to be around much longer, the last 10 years of his life being fraught with heart issues so bad that he had quintuple bypass surgery and a pacemaker installed. He was always the type to want to protect and shelter us though. I really think he thought his choice for president was going to sweep in and save us all, that the Big T was going to protect all the people Dad cared about when he was gone and that he wouldn’t have to worry about us - my Mom, my sister, our daughters and me. That was my Dad - old school. Women needed protecting. He was a 5 foot 9 inch, Irish John Wayne.
But on the flip side, no one, and I mean NO ONE, has made me laugh like my Dad could. We would laugh so hard that my sides and face would hurt! And it wasn’t just me, I really think he thought it was his purpose in life to make people smile and laugh. Cashiers, table servers, fellow innocents waiting in a long line, strangers sitting next to him at a baseball game - no one was safe. He earned the nickname Mr. Jokey, and with it the love and devotion of so many friends, family, and even clients who would become like family to him. It was important to my Dad that the people around him, the people he cared about, were happy and having a good time even if it was at his own expense, and he could maybe make them forget their problems for just a little while. Dad never failed to be able to laugh at himself, which can be rather a rare trait. He cared deeply for people and always went out of his way to help or make someone smile. That’s the part I’m missing today. Those are the memories that are lifting me up today as I take time for myself, channel Reiki, burn my Sage and incense, and keep my Morganite, Lodestone and other crystals close by. Those wonderful memories of the silly songs he would make up, the quotes from The Blues Brothers, the hysterical impressions of South Park characters, the unintentional way he would mess up words or use the wrong words (you know that thing that hangs at the back of your throat, your UVULA? Yeah, well, my Dad got it mixed up with the word vulva…..totally not the same thing, Dad!!! LOL We had a really good laugh about that one!) are just a few of the many.
I miss you, Dad, but at the same time, I know that you are still right here with me. That knowing, and the tools that I have equipped myself with are giving me comfort through the grief, enabling me to stay functional while I heal. Besides, we’re on a mission from God, right? What could go wrong??? ;)